They seemed to be getting along very well. They had a son and a daughter and always appeared to be a perfect happy family. I imagined them growing old together, their kids visiting them during the holidays; and eventually, babysitting their grandchildren. But this was not their reality, and life turned out to be different; they split up, left their house, and went separate ways. What went wrong?
When we get married, most of us believe that we will live happily ever after with our spouse. But sadly, more than 50% of couples divorce. Why? Can it be prevented? Can we do anything to preserve and strengthen our marriage.
When considering our values and priorities in life, most of us will claim that our relationships with our partners are a top priority. Unfortunately, we rarely live by this principle. We allow ourselves to become so occupied with our daily activities that we fail to invest in one of the most valuable aspects of our life – our marriage. Frequently, we take our relationships for granted and fail to realize that we have to invest time, effort, and attention in order to sustain them. If we fail to make this effort, our relationships are no longer positive and fulfilling parts of our marriages.
Moreover, we often refuse to accept our spouse for who he or she is. This is the cause of many heated arguments and bitter conflicts. Eventually, some will admit that they fall “out” of love and no longer wish to stay together. Others may stay together and try to just ‘get along’.
But marriage is not about getting along; it is about staying in love. Marion Woodman said wisely, “I see love as two mature people walking parallel paths, profoundly respecting the essence of the other, honoring the differences in each other and giving each other space to develop their own uniqueness.”
The higher our emotional intelligence, the more we are able to be attentive, understand, respect, honor, and support our partners’ hopes and aspirations. We are intimately familiar with our partners’ world; no matter how busy we are, we make each other a priority and therefore make the time to listen to each other daily. This is a friendship that involves taking care and looking after one another. Our partner is the one with whom we share our secrets and our dreams, and whose thoughts and feelings are of great interest to us. We are passionate about each other, and when we think about our partner we feel immersed in positive sentiments. This is the path to a thriving relationship where we feel loved and appreciated. This is the key to living ‘happily ever after.’
Can we learn how to repair our marriages and create lasting and fulfilling relationships? Yes we can. We can identify the areas in which we need to grow, strengthen the weak parts of our relationships, and practice simple techniques to restore, develop, and maintain a deeply satisfying marriage.
Estee Goren, M.A., is a Marriage & Family Therapist (MFC 50146) working with teens, adults and couples. She is specializing in relationship, life transitions, illnesses, grief, and personal growth. Her goal is to help others gain a new perspective, overcome personal challenges, improve their overall wellbeing, and pursue personal development.
